Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
