the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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