I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
