Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
