Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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