My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
