I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
