I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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