I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
