This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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