finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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