I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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