Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
