All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
