i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
