I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
