Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
