I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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