the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
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