I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
