I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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