I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
