he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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