my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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