You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
