these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
