You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
