Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
