is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
