I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
