His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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