We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
