ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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