i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
