Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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