also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
