I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
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