Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
