I can text with my tongue
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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