I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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