o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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