I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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