Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
I just want nice things and good sex
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
