Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
