Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
