Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
So many bounce houses so little time
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
