There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
