He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
