I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
