So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
