This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
