can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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