we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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