Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
